I had an interesting comment ( one of my first : ) ) from a slave of 11 years on yesterday's post. The lady felt that where |I was going wrong was that I was putting myself and my needs first before my masters.
The fundamental dynamic that makes a slave a slave is that she puts her masters needs before her own. I respect someones opinion of 11 years and although she does not know my every day routine, past or emotional issues I am sure she can make a sound judgement from my posts.
The thing is I think my masochistic urges have taken over the last few weeks, and this has made me very irritable as they are not getting fixed so to speak. However as the lady said if I am not meeting my master's needs,then he will not meet mine.
I have felt very destructive and highly insecure, an online friend I have on Fetlife suggested that the traits of a submissive are often confused in America ( where he is from ) with the symptoms of Boarder line personality disorder. The defining character trait of BPD, is a sense of abandonment and issues with relationships... spot on! Now this is just a theory and a pattern he had seen with his submissives's and now his slave.
I am not sure how I can handle these emotions but my friend reassured me that the M/s relationship is good for a person with these character traits when they feel safe and secure. The character traits or issues I am having are getting in the way of my relationship!
Why do|I push people away!! grrrrrrr Its not easy being a slave sometimes, I can think Im doing so well and then bang! something happens and I lose focus...
Advise please people.... keep it coming, I love feedback.
Anyway on a positive note the healthy living is going great. I made fish last night with asparagus and a Quinoa salad with bean shoots, feta, tomato, parsley, lemon, bell pepper and olives. I am also changing our lunches to ensure no processed meats are being consumed ( started this a few weeks ago ) breakfast is muesli ( no sugar ) with fruit, and snacks are things like oats crackers and peanut butter. There is so much hidden sugar and crap in meats, condiments and soft drinks. I drink coffee now once a week, rather than every day and Master doesnt take coffee with him to work any way.
The aim is plenty of superfoods, organic only with chicken, salad leafs, potatoes, no processed foods like margarine or 'fake lowfat foods' minimum amounts of unrefined sugar like molasses or honey and no 'white' carbs.
Currently I am doing around 5 hours of house cleaning with a local company 4-5 days a week and then I do my own chores so I need to eat quite high energy snack like nuts and bananas that I probably wouldn't have eaten sitting at a desk all day as its not needed.
Exercise wise we went for a long walk in the country side at the weekend and are both including an exercise routine into our week every other day, with a view to join the gym in a month. In fact I must do my routine now! Financially things are a struggle, there have been a few events within our local bdsm scene that we have had to miss, but Master had a new job interview Friday and we will hear this week if he has a second, this could change our life in a big way! fingers crossed : )
