So last weekend was difficult as you can see from the last post, a friend's birthday resulted in a very drunken night which saw me and Sir having the most almighty row.
Today is Sunday, and in the last week I have not touched a drip of Alcohol and I have started a new cleaning job, and no kink.....hmmmm I'm actually debating whether to continue this blog.
I have made some big decisions this week, I have decided I have a problem with drink, not with the quantities or when or how I drink, but with how I rely on it and how it makes me feel. I am also seriously looking to address my body issues and stick to an exercise regime, despite the fact I'm cleaning for 4-5 hours a day I should become pretty fit and very fast!
I need a goal and something to focus on.
The way Sir and I conduct our everyday life, the way I respect and respond to him to me is clearly a power exchange relationship naturally. However I am coming to accept that perhaps what I am craving or hoping for may never happen as regularly as I want it, and maybe that's ok.
Although you may say its not about what I want, this is my place to express how I feel so bullshit!
I trust that he knows whats best for me and perhaps punishments and S&M as part of my everyday life is not the right way.
There are so many great things about my relationship and there are so many ways I love him I think that overrides anything else. Towards the beginning of the week we made love Sun, Mon and Tues and it was amazing, then as my tiredness from the new job kicked in the rest of the week nothing much happened.
I suppose maybe I was more forthcoming on those days? I certainly still wanted it on the days I was tired.
I am questioning as usual : )
Did I question whether making love could have turned into something more kinky? yes.
There was a moment when he leaned his hand over my neck and I hoped so much....I do think I'm being punished at times, Its really hard to be confident when there is this part of you that feels like its going to explode.
Perhaps If I could ask for what I want my life would be so much easier but I cant.
Whether that's right or wrong I need to be led in that sense by the other person, and if they don't want to do that, if they don't feel they want to, then that's the way it has to be.
I don't want this from anyone else.
Therefore If I cant have it from him,then I am fine having it every now and then. I hope the pain I feel from exercise will suffice ; )
Besides house keeping is pretty degrading at times,that fills a void. I don't think I am very attractive to him at the moment, he says I am, but I hope I can spark his interest in me again.
Now I am towards the end of my post, I think I will continue with this blog,
I need somewhere to write my feelings down. I am tired of this pain.
I will focus on making myself happy and appreciating what I have in the guidance and love he gives me every day.
Saturday 29 June 2013
Saturday 22 June 2013
Untitled
Really hard to write when I feel like this, to sum up... Im feeling self-destructive.
When I get like it, it scares me.
So since the last post I got the cleaning job : ) and start on Tuesday, Sir has an interview for a new really good job this Friday, we got a cheque from the tax office,had a lovely dinner on Thursday night at one of my favorite places to eat etc etc, all good news.
However Ive had massive feelings of emptiness, Ive been drinking far too much, smoked 2 days in a row, Ive been erratically eating ( with urges to make myself sick, but I haven't ) Part of our rules are that I now decide when I drink, it doesn't work. I have been trying to exercise, but the scales dont look good, and I desperately want to lose a 1.5 stones. Sometimes I dont know how to be kind to myself, im losing interest in making myself look nice. The only release I got was the cleaning trial on Thursday which was pretty tough but cleared my mind for a few hours. There is something very cathartic about cleaning toilets.
I feel that although Sir is tired after work there is a definite shift in how often he initiates sex, now I imagine that is due to my body language? but of course I am telling myself he is going off me and Im unattractive, everything has been so normal.
The last time we 'played' properly was the start of May, when I was left with quite severe bruising, I raised this subject and he said that he felt I had found it all quite intense and wanted to wait etc. My heart sank. I thought I could submit to when he wanted to do things, how he wanted to 'Play' and when, but the way ive been the last two weeks tells me otherwise. On the surface ive been happy but deep deep down ive been craving more. I guess Im a masochist, Im not very good at looking after myself, the pain inside just becomes too much and there's nowhere for it to go. I imagine being with a sadist would constantly challenge me, make me feel loved and useful, like yin and yang. I know what im saying is wrong, im not being grateful enough, im not being accepting, but I feel unloved, and not understood.
I fear this is something I am going to have to come to terms with in my own mind, in a way being in a constant state of yearning, frustration, and feeling let down is normal and comforting. I have tastes of the opposite, little spells of freedom, they are so few and far between its like torture.
I want to stand in a field and scream for a long long time.
I want to run along a cliff till I cant feel my legs anymore
I want to smoke so many ciggerettes my throat swells up
I want to eat a loaf of bread and butter and vomit till I cry
I want to be high on drugs and dance all night till I pass out
I want to feel invincible
I want to be cained so much that I dont feel the pain any more
I want to live a life where my partner forces me to have sex alot.
I want to feel dizzy trying to keep up with someones thoughts, words and actions
I want to feel my bones
I want to be 22, so there are years till I am supposed to have children
I want to be the centre of attention in the room, it doesnt have to be for the right reasons
I want to be absolutely amazing at just one thing.
Indifference scares me, certain ways Ive behaved recently would have provoked an angry reaction in Sir or he would look hurt.... nothing, he didnt seem to be bothered.
Now ofcourse I am sure this is very unfair, my feelings are unfair, its all distorted. However I have to ask myself if someone can see a solution of what you need as a person, if they claim to understand you, If you are supposed to hand over control to them, why do they not give it too you?
Is this the mental torture that is good for me?
Am I not obedient enough for you so I dont deserve the kind of life I want.
Have I not expressed to you enough my issues with 'vanilla sex'
Have I not proved to you im fucked up enough, without adding to it.
Do you enjoy hurting me? if not what are we doing?
I NEED A RELEASE
BUT I NEED TO KNOW MY RELEASE IS YOUR RELEASE
I am supposed to be your release, if you are stressed or wound up can you not take it out on me through play? no but its not the right time for me is it.
I have a new job to start
I have period pains
Ive been upset
There has been a change in our routine
We are tired
I have been drinking ..... the list goes on.
To feel hassled would be a wonderful thing.
To wake up to feel hands round my neck or securing my wrists,
To be pulled away from my glass of wine and told to stay in the corner or realizing he had plans
To be punished physically for every cross word I made.
To have regular hard spankings that he craved and fantatsissed about
To be a muse for his imagination and the sadistic things he wanted to do
To see a rule be monitored and checked upon daily even just for 1 week
To see the fever in his eyes
To be his project
To be be his hobby
For him to realize that not one persons way of feeling loved is different to anothers.
When I do things domestically for him he is happy ( but he would expect that anyway ), he likes his lunch been made every day, he likes tea been offered without having to ask, he prefers not to have to decide what to have for dinner, he doesn't like washing left out and likes things folded neatly, he likes it when i ask permission to arrange anything we do
When I obey him he is happy
When I come to him and show him affection he is happy
When I give him blow jobs he is happy.
When we make love he is happy.
When I remember to greet him at the door he is happy
I guess I need to work on these things then dont I.
When I get like it, it scares me.
So since the last post I got the cleaning job : ) and start on Tuesday, Sir has an interview for a new really good job this Friday, we got a cheque from the tax office,had a lovely dinner on Thursday night at one of my favorite places to eat etc etc, all good news.
However Ive had massive feelings of emptiness, Ive been drinking far too much, smoked 2 days in a row, Ive been erratically eating ( with urges to make myself sick, but I haven't ) Part of our rules are that I now decide when I drink, it doesn't work. I have been trying to exercise, but the scales dont look good, and I desperately want to lose a 1.5 stones. Sometimes I dont know how to be kind to myself, im losing interest in making myself look nice. The only release I got was the cleaning trial on Thursday which was pretty tough but cleared my mind for a few hours. There is something very cathartic about cleaning toilets.
I feel that although Sir is tired after work there is a definite shift in how often he initiates sex, now I imagine that is due to my body language? but of course I am telling myself he is going off me and Im unattractive, everything has been so normal.
The last time we 'played' properly was the start of May, when I was left with quite severe bruising, I raised this subject and he said that he felt I had found it all quite intense and wanted to wait etc. My heart sank. I thought I could submit to when he wanted to do things, how he wanted to 'Play' and when, but the way ive been the last two weeks tells me otherwise. On the surface ive been happy but deep deep down ive been craving more. I guess Im a masochist, Im not very good at looking after myself, the pain inside just becomes too much and there's nowhere for it to go. I imagine being with a sadist would constantly challenge me, make me feel loved and useful, like yin and yang. I know what im saying is wrong, im not being grateful enough, im not being accepting, but I feel unloved, and not understood.
I fear this is something I am going to have to come to terms with in my own mind, in a way being in a constant state of yearning, frustration, and feeling let down is normal and comforting. I have tastes of the opposite, little spells of freedom, they are so few and far between its like torture.
I want to stand in a field and scream for a long long time.
I want to run along a cliff till I cant feel my legs anymore
I want to smoke so many ciggerettes my throat swells up
I want to eat a loaf of bread and butter and vomit till I cry
I want to be high on drugs and dance all night till I pass out
I want to feel invincible
I want to be cained so much that I dont feel the pain any more
I want to live a life where my partner forces me to have sex alot.
I want to feel dizzy trying to keep up with someones thoughts, words and actions
I want to feel my bones
I want to be 22, so there are years till I am supposed to have children
I want to be the centre of attention in the room, it doesnt have to be for the right reasons
I want to be absolutely amazing at just one thing.
Indifference scares me, certain ways Ive behaved recently would have provoked an angry reaction in Sir or he would look hurt.... nothing, he didnt seem to be bothered.
Now ofcourse I am sure this is very unfair, my feelings are unfair, its all distorted. However I have to ask myself if someone can see a solution of what you need as a person, if they claim to understand you, If you are supposed to hand over control to them, why do they not give it too you?
Is this the mental torture that is good for me?
Am I not obedient enough for you so I dont deserve the kind of life I want.
Have I not expressed to you enough my issues with 'vanilla sex'
Have I not proved to you im fucked up enough, without adding to it.
Do you enjoy hurting me? if not what are we doing?
I NEED A RELEASE
BUT I NEED TO KNOW MY RELEASE IS YOUR RELEASE
I am supposed to be your release, if you are stressed or wound up can you not take it out on me through play? no but its not the right time for me is it.
I have a new job to start
I have period pains
Ive been upset
There has been a change in our routine
We are tired
I have been drinking ..... the list goes on.
To feel hassled would be a wonderful thing.
To wake up to feel hands round my neck or securing my wrists,
To be pulled away from my glass of wine and told to stay in the corner or realizing he had plans
To be punished physically for every cross word I made.
To have regular hard spankings that he craved and fantatsissed about
To be a muse for his imagination and the sadistic things he wanted to do
To see a rule be monitored and checked upon daily even just for 1 week
To see the fever in his eyes
To be his project
To be be his hobby
For him to realize that not one persons way of feeling loved is different to anothers.
When I do things domestically for him he is happy ( but he would expect that anyway ), he likes his lunch been made every day, he likes tea been offered without having to ask, he prefers not to have to decide what to have for dinner, he doesn't like washing left out and likes things folded neatly, he likes it when i ask permission to arrange anything we do
When I obey him he is happy
When I come to him and show him affection he is happy
When I give him blow jobs he is happy.
When we make love he is happy.
When I remember to greet him at the door he is happy
I guess I need to work on these things then dont I.
Tuesday 18 June 2013
Something new
Today I went for a coffee with a lady who runs a cleaning business locally, I was quite nervous as I am meeting strangers. However she was lovely! really down to earth and professional, not at all like other experiences I have had in the past! Cleaning is something I have decided I want to do, my work history is office based which I hated and Im lucky to have been given the opportunity by Master to allow me to do this. The company is eco-friendly, there is holiday pay and everything goes through 'paye' rather than being cash in hand which I prefer.
My parents are telling this is beneath me, please! I hated my career, I enjoy cleaning,its a very physical job, Im away from a computer, and it allows me to serve and be domesticated : ) Is it not more important to be happy and true to yourself, rather than constantly pushing yourself to live a lie? Now I can also feel I am contributing financially, and although it will be a little more tiring to juggle things I'm sure I will manage fine. I have put down to work 4 days, so my spare day can be spent cleaning and organizing things here, planning our meals, then the weekend we can enjoy. I can ask Master if I can have half an hour in the evening to do my blog as I think doing it in the morning will be too much, lunches will have to be made the night before too.
Apart from that It will be great to have extra money to go places at the weekend : )
Master sent me a message to delete the few rules that have not been enforced ( there were 3 ) that I mentioned in yesterdays post and he is going to replace them tonight... should be interesting.
My parents are telling this is beneath me, please! I hated my career, I enjoy cleaning,its a very physical job, Im away from a computer, and it allows me to serve and be domesticated : ) Is it not more important to be happy and true to yourself, rather than constantly pushing yourself to live a lie? Now I can also feel I am contributing financially, and although it will be a little more tiring to juggle things I'm sure I will manage fine. I have put down to work 4 days, so my spare day can be spent cleaning and organizing things here, planning our meals, then the weekend we can enjoy. I can ask Master if I can have half an hour in the evening to do my blog as I think doing it in the morning will be too much, lunches will have to be made the night before too.
Apart from that It will be great to have extra money to go places at the weekend : )
Master sent me a message to delete the few rules that have not been enforced ( there were 3 ) that I mentioned in yesterdays post and he is going to replace them tonight... should be interesting.
Monday 17 June 2013
A long way to go.....
I have also decided to get back on the low carb diet this week ( Atkins phase two, but no crappy sweeteners, processed meats, etc ) so far so good, hopefully I wont feel too dizzy, this always seems to happen at first. Although I have a far better body image than once upon a time, I feel its important as a slave to look your body and mind as after all I am Master's property. I will type out the exercises master gives me tomorrow and put them on this blog : )
I have also been asked today to review the rules I have, and look at any we dont follow and if i was asked to do them why it would please master.Most we follow, however the ones I have identified that we dont are
I do not ask permission to leave the table after eating
I do not always ask permission to do something ( however mostly I say 'is it ok if i .......
I dont offer a back or foot massage, I wait to be asked.
I often walk ahead of Master in the supermarket
I often swear
The back and foot massage is obvious as this is something he would enjoy, the asking permission is a way of me showing my respect, as is not walking ahead of him in public in anyway and swearing..I hope this is what he meant? maybe hes going to change them? We shall see. I think I still have along way to go in learning how to serve and be obedient, but I am definitely getting better every day.
Sunday 16 June 2013
Your tears
Your tears, drops of perfect crystal dew,
Full of innocence and beauty
Raw like tiny blades across your delicate cheeks
Opening up your secret wounds
Saturday 15 June 2013
The last few days....
Over the last 3 days there has been a lot of discussion about the future, when we will have a baby, what I will do for a living, where we will live. There is always talk about the future and although it can be daunting, we agreed that once Master finds out what is salary will become in 2 months time ( once he gets taken on by his company from the recruitment agency ) I should be ok to come off the pill, and start trying for a baby! : )
The most important aspect of my life at the moment is my relationship with my Master as I only feel I can flourish as a person in this dynamic. Although deep down I know it is who we are and it will never disappear there is a fear of failure. I feel very safe being a 'slave' and I dont want it to ever go.
After discussing my progress on Friday night ( in the sun with a nice glass of wine : ) ... I can be a spoilt slave at times.. ha ha ) Master says I am doing very well but we agreed I need to increase my exercise levels and also he is concerned about processed foods in his diet. I feel we eat quite healthy,all meals are made from scratch, however I use processed ham in his sandwiches. I have brought chicken breasts, salad, wholemeal wraps and organic sugar free mayonnaise,so with a bit more effort that should work better for him.
Master took me for lunch yesterday at this really nice gastro pub near us, and I chose a really nice homemade burger with salad, mushrooms and all kinds of things inside! I wouldn't typically choose this as its quite messy! I have never been good at eating in public. Years ago I used to get very bad panic attacks, and as the pub was quite busy I could feel one coming on just from trying to eat 'messy food'. I really do care what people think far too much, and it sparked an interesting conversation about how I feel I am beneath people at times, and how master clearly doesn't give a shit what people think. The conclusion was that its ok to be that personality type with Master, I dont always have to 'pretend' and be strong.
The reality of the situation was I dealt with the panic attack quickly, I actually eat in public now! and I am generally far happier and more confident than I was.
I have been trying to find more girls in an M/s relationship to chat to on my Fetlife, the social networking site. Should anyone be reading this who is new to the scene, joining Fetlife! its like fetish facebook but is great for finding out about your local scene. However there are far more 'slaves' in the US so if there are any UK slaves reading my blog send me a message and say hi, and of course any others too are also welcome.
The most important aspect of my life at the moment is my relationship with my Master as I only feel I can flourish as a person in this dynamic. Although deep down I know it is who we are and it will never disappear there is a fear of failure. I feel very safe being a 'slave' and I dont want it to ever go.
After discussing my progress on Friday night ( in the sun with a nice glass of wine : ) ... I can be a spoilt slave at times.. ha ha ) Master says I am doing very well but we agreed I need to increase my exercise levels and also he is concerned about processed foods in his diet. I feel we eat quite healthy,all meals are made from scratch, however I use processed ham in his sandwiches. I have brought chicken breasts, salad, wholemeal wraps and organic sugar free mayonnaise,so with a bit more effort that should work better for him.
Master took me for lunch yesterday at this really nice gastro pub near us, and I chose a really nice homemade burger with salad, mushrooms and all kinds of things inside! I wouldn't typically choose this as its quite messy! I have never been good at eating in public. Years ago I used to get very bad panic attacks, and as the pub was quite busy I could feel one coming on just from trying to eat 'messy food'. I really do care what people think far too much, and it sparked an interesting conversation about how I feel I am beneath people at times, and how master clearly doesn't give a shit what people think. The conclusion was that its ok to be that personality type with Master, I dont always have to 'pretend' and be strong.
The reality of the situation was I dealt with the panic attack quickly, I actually eat in public now! and I am generally far happier and more confident than I was.
I have been trying to find more girls in an M/s relationship to chat to on my Fetlife, the social networking site. Should anyone be reading this who is new to the scene, joining Fetlife! its like fetish facebook but is great for finding out about your local scene. However there are far more 'slaves' in the US so if there are any UK slaves reading my blog send me a message and say hi, and of course any others too are also welcome.
Thursday 13 June 2013
A really nice day : )
So Sir has brought me a new Hitachi wand to replace the one that broke, with an attachment.... that to be honest looked quite scary at first. However its pretty amazing!
Yesterday Morning Sir pinned me down in bed before he got up for work, and said he is taking what he wants and fucked me... this left me very unsatisfied but feeling very used and wanting more.
Lunchtime was an unusual one, as he came home for lunch and I was extremely horny, we kissed for ages and I gave him head until he came in my mouth, hmmmmmm. This made me so turned on my pussy was dripping and I wanted to be fucked so much but he used the toy on me and I came so hard it was amazing.
While we kiss Sir often puts a hand round my neck, this drives me wild and my mind starts wandering, we have experimented with breath play and I can definitely say its so divine! my mind goes so quiet and
everything slows down and your just totally in the moment, Im wet just thinking about it.
We went for a drink last last and then came home and watched an artist documetary on tv, I actually did a fine art dgree and love to paint big abstarct paintings, one day I dream of having my own room to messup and paint 'big' in again. Towards the end of the night, he told me to put some cute knickers on and get in the bedroom.
Sir put me over his knee, gave me a spanking, then forced an orgasm by holding me down on my front and pushing me against the vibrator and fucking me with his fingers. Then he held me down and fucked me hard until he came.... phew I can tell you I had a great nights sleep : )
Tuesday 11 June 2013
One of those times thats not so easy
I had been told during the day to bring myself to the brink of orgasm about 15 times before Sir was due to come home, he came home and fucked me and gave me an orgasm which was amazing, however I was left feeling a bit empty and strange. I was then told that he was going to tie me up in the evening, now this didnt happen and I could feel myself getting agitated and . ..I was answering back a bit during conversations and generally looking for any reason to tell myself he was ignoring me. I started to think back to when we first experimented with D/s and how angry these false expectations made me, why suggest something and not do it? he has made me expectant and not submissive, its not my fault surely?
The pain and confusion kicked in and I realized like a lightning bolt ... well after about 15 mins in the bathroom trying not to cry, that this was what being a slave is about.
-He may be tired and not want to tie me, just because he says he will, doesn't mean he has too
-He has said lots of lovely things to me tonight to show me he loves me and would never intentionally ignore me.
-I am being irrational, and not patient.
-I am thinking about myself at this point and not him in the right way.
So I asked to go to bed and asked him if everything was ok as he was very quiet, the response was that he felt ill and had a bad stomach, there we go. I was so thankful I didn't cry or cause a scene, because thats not serving someone thats causing them unnecessary stress and upset.
Monday 10 June 2013
Respect comes in many different forms
I mentioned in the last post how important respect is to my master, I want to be more specific here as to how I show my respect to him.
I have to consult him with every descsion made so he can ultimatley have the final say and decide, he gets very angry and dissapointed if i go and agree to any plans without consulting him.
When a disagreement arises I am to respectfully listen and take a backseat whether i agree with what he is saying or not and then calmly give my response when asked.
I am to make sure everything domestic is done to a high standard to show my love and respect for him.
I am to try and serve him and anticipate his needs, whether that be if he needs a drink, something sexual, kind words, what ever is needed.
I must respect him in public and not interrupt him, or behave inappropriately.
I must try to work on my self esteem, and generally 'my wellbeing' in the ways he chooses for me as I am his property and should respect and be proud of this.
The last few days...
The weekend has been spent with my Master and also my parents and has been really fun! Sat afternoon we drove to a beautiful country pub and then I made my chicken pie for everyone and we stayed the night after a little too much wine!
Sometimes its hard to be a slave around my family but I just try to remain attentive to Sir's needs and stay respectful at all times, sometimes this is a challenge if I bicker with them as the relationship can be volatile but touch wood everything is ok.
Friday night ended gloriously with Sir making me kneel face down on our bed and tying my wrists to my ankles so I couldn't move, then he fucked my arse ( excuse the language but on this occasion I really think it fits : ) Anal sex makes me feel taken, used, but ultimately owned and puts me in a great mindset. The following is a description I wrote a while ago of how I felt the morning after anal sex combined with heavy impact play that resulted in severe bruising.
"I feel different today, I guess I feel vulnerable but in another sense strong, is that what it is? I’m not sure.
I also feel a little scared.
Last night I think I realized how much I need you to hurt me,
My skin broke, hands around my neck, pain so intense my mind flipped to somewhere else, and then unable to move you fucked my ares like that was the last time we would be together.
I remember once upon a time thinking....that’s not making love... surely.
I have never smiled so much....
Where there is violence, there is intimacy.
For me.
Was the need formed out of love, or was it always there?
Esmeralda x
Yesterday was a quiet day, we watched films, I made us homemade pizza, Sir seemed happy and it was lovely. In the evening he asked me to sit in the chair in the living room in some underwear he had chosen. Although I felt embarrassed I was filled with excitement at what he would ask me to do, I love the anticipation of waiting to see what he will ask. I also love to feel he is asking me to do something that he really wants, I could see him grow hard. I had to show him my body and crawl towards him and give him head, This then ended with making love in the bedroom, and I am very lucky that Sir has the best oral skills imaginable : )
I have to consult him with every descsion made so he can ultimatley have the final say and decide, he gets very angry and dissapointed if i go and agree to any plans without consulting him.
When a disagreement arises I am to respectfully listen and take a backseat whether i agree with what he is saying or not and then calmly give my response when asked.
I am to make sure everything domestic is done to a high standard to show my love and respect for him.
I am to try and serve him and anticipate his needs, whether that be if he needs a drink, something sexual, kind words, what ever is needed.
I must respect him in public and not interrupt him, or behave inappropriately.
I must try to work on my self esteem, and generally 'my wellbeing' in the ways he chooses for me as I am his property and should respect and be proud of this.
The last few days...
The weekend has been spent with my Master and also my parents and has been really fun! Sat afternoon we drove to a beautiful country pub and then I made my chicken pie for everyone and we stayed the night after a little too much wine!
Sometimes its hard to be a slave around my family but I just try to remain attentive to Sir's needs and stay respectful at all times, sometimes this is a challenge if I bicker with them as the relationship can be volatile but touch wood everything is ok.
Friday night ended gloriously with Sir making me kneel face down on our bed and tying my wrists to my ankles so I couldn't move, then he fucked my arse ( excuse the language but on this occasion I really think it fits : ) Anal sex makes me feel taken, used, but ultimately owned and puts me in a great mindset. The following is a description I wrote a while ago of how I felt the morning after anal sex combined with heavy impact play that resulted in severe bruising.
"I feel different today, I guess I feel vulnerable but in another sense strong, is that what it is? I’m not sure.
I also feel a little scared.
Last night I think I realized how much I need you to hurt me,
My skin broke, hands around my neck, pain so intense my mind flipped to somewhere else, and then unable to move you fucked my ares like that was the last time we would be together.
I remember once upon a time thinking....that’s not making love... surely.
I have never smiled so much....
Where there is violence, there is intimacy.
For me.
Was the need formed out of love, or was it always there?
Esmeralda x
Yesterday was a quiet day, we watched films, I made us homemade pizza, Sir seemed happy and it was lovely. In the evening he asked me to sit in the chair in the living room in some underwear he had chosen. Although I felt embarrassed I was filled with excitement at what he would ask me to do, I love the anticipation of waiting to see what he will ask. I also love to feel he is asking me to do something that he really wants, I could see him grow hard. I had to show him my body and crawl towards him and give him head, This then ended with making love in the bedroom, and I am very lucky that Sir has the best oral skills imaginable : )
Saturday 8 June 2013
5 Months later....
So much has happened since then, I tried an office job again and failed and in regards to our bdsm play we have tried quite a few different things.. needle play, public play, we brought a riding crop,we have been to several munches and decided we were better suited to Master and Slave than submissive and dominant for lots of reasons I will touch upon another time. There have been some tremendous arguments too! and all the while our love has grown stronger. The arguments only ever came from a frustration that our everyday routines brought, Sir wanting to control, I was confused and needed to submit, so here we are Master and Slave, something we have always deeply desired.
I must serve my Master in the best way I can every day, and show him the up most respect, he wont punish me by beating me as this would be a reward, I know he will punish me by ignoring me and that's the worst of all. Some of the rules have changed since January so I will update them, however most evolved into our everyday routine, and some just didn't work. What I did learn in the last 5 months and why I believe I am a slave is that my desire to serve is stronger than ever. I also had to learn to let go in many ways, when I first arrived on the bdsm scene 2 years ago I wanted to 'play' every other day, all the the time, I expected play, I predicted what would happen, anticipated and grew upset if my expectations were not met. Now I do not expect,but I submit to what Sir has in mind for me or wants and I go with the moment, and I trust that he will look after me. Gradually my mind has changed from being focused on my own needs to start to now be shaped by pleasing another.I also have a deep need to be controlled and guided by Sir, and to serve him.
I am his property, he owns me and I will obey him always. The most important element of my service to my Master is RESPECT, and he has highlighted this again and again.
However I am far from perfect and make mistakes all the time,but I hope they become minimal.
The picture at the top of the post is one of my poor bruised bottom after a heavy session with the flogger and riding crop. I love it as the bruises look like an atlas : )
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