A Week On...

So last weekend was difficult as you can see from the last post, a friend's birthday resulted in a very drunken night which saw me and Sir having the most almighty row.

Today is Sunday, and in the last week I have not touched a drip of Alcohol and I have started a new cleaning job, and no kink.....hmmmm I'm actually debating whether to continue this blog.

I have made some big decisions this week, I have decided I have a problem with drink, not with the quantities or when or how I drink, but with how I rely on it and how it makes me feel. I am also seriously looking to address my body issues and stick to an exercise regime, despite the fact I'm cleaning for 4-5 hours a day I should become pretty fit and very fast!

I need a goal and something to focus on.

The way Sir and I conduct our everyday life, the way I respect and respond to him to me is clearly a power  exchange relationship naturally. However I am coming to accept that perhaps what I am craving or hoping for may never happen as regularly as I want it, and maybe that's ok.
Although you may say its not about what I want, this is my place to express how I feel so bullshit!
I trust that he knows whats best for me and perhaps punishments and S&M as part of my everyday life is not the right way.

There are so many great things about my relationship and there are so many ways I love him I think that overrides anything else. Towards the beginning of the week we made love Sun, Mon and Tues and it was amazing, then as my tiredness from the new job kicked in the rest of the week nothing much happened.
I suppose maybe I was more forthcoming on those days? I certainly still wanted it on the days I was tired.
I am questioning as usual : )

Did I question whether making love could have turned into something more kinky? yes.
There was a moment when he leaned his hand over my neck and I hoped so much....I do think I'm being punished at times, Its really hard to be confident when there is this part of you that feels like its going to explode.

Perhaps If I could ask for what I want my life would be so much easier but I cant.
Whether that's right or wrong I need to be led in that sense by the other person, and if they don't want to do that, if they don't feel they want to, then that's the way it has to be.

I don't want this from anyone else.

Therefore If I cant have it from him,then I am fine having it every now and then. I hope the pain I feel from exercise will suffice ; )

Besides house keeping is pretty degrading at times,that fills a void. I don't think I am very attractive to him at the moment, he says I am, but I hope I can spark his interest in me again.

Now I am towards the end of my post, I think I will continue with this blog,
I need somewhere to write my feelings down. I am tired of this pain.

I will focus on making myself happy and appreciating what I have in the guidance and love he gives me every day.