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Really hard to write when I feel like this, to sum up... Im feeling self-destructive.
When I get like it, it scares me.
So since the last post I got the cleaning job : ) and start on Tuesday, Sir has an interview for a new really good job this Friday, we got a cheque from the tax office,had a lovely dinner on Thursday night at one of my favorite places to eat etc etc, all good news.
  However Ive had massive feelings of emptiness, Ive been drinking far too much, smoked 2 days in a row, Ive been erratically eating ( with urges to make myself sick, but I haven't  ) Part of our rules are that I now decide when I drink, it doesn't work. I have been trying to exercise, but the scales dont look good, and I desperately want to lose a 1.5 stones. Sometimes I dont know how to be kind to myself, im losing interest in making myself look nice. The only release I got was the cleaning trial on Thursday which was pretty tough but cleared my mind for a few hours. There is something very cathartic about cleaning toilets.
  I feel that although Sir is tired after work there is a definite shift in how often he initiates sex, now I imagine that is due to my body language? but of course I am telling myself he is going off me and Im unattractive, everything has been so normal.
 The last time we 'played' properly was the start of May, when I was left with quite severe bruising, I raised this subject and he said that he felt I had found it all quite intense and wanted to wait etc. My heart sank. I thought I could submit to when he wanted to do things, how he wanted to 'Play' and when, but the way ive been the last two weeks tells me otherwise. On the surface ive been happy but deep deep down ive been craving more. I guess Im a masochist, Im not very good at looking after myself, the pain inside just becomes too much and there's nowhere for it to go. I imagine being with a sadist would constantly challenge me, make me feel loved and useful, like yin and yang. I know what im saying is wrong, im not being grateful enough, im not being accepting, but I feel unloved, and not understood.
 I fear this is something I am going to have to come to terms with in my own mind, in a way being in a constant state of yearning, frustration, and feeling let down is normal and comforting. I have tastes of the opposite, little spells of freedom, they are so few and far between its like torture.

I want to stand in a field and scream for a long long time.
I want to run along a cliff till I cant feel my legs anymore
I want to smoke so many ciggerettes my throat swells up
I want to eat a loaf of bread and butter and vomit till I cry
I want to be high on drugs and dance all night till I pass out
I want to feel invincible
I want to be cained so much that I dont feel the pain any more
I want to live a life where my partner forces me to have sex alot.
I want to feel dizzy trying to keep up with someones thoughts, words and actions
I want to feel my bones
I want to be 22, so there are years till I am supposed to have children
I want to be the centre of attention in the room, it doesnt have to be for the right reasons
I want to be absolutely amazing at just one thing.

Indifference scares me, certain ways Ive behaved recently would have provoked an angry reaction in Sir or he would look hurt.... nothing, he didnt seem to be bothered.

Now ofcourse I am sure this is very unfair, my feelings are unfair, its all distorted. However I have to ask myself if someone can see a solution of what you need as a person, if they claim to understand you, If you are supposed to hand over control to them, why do they not give it too you?

Is this the mental torture that is good for me?
Am I not obedient enough for you so I dont deserve the kind of life I want.
Have I not expressed to you enough my issues with 'vanilla sex'
Have I not proved to you im fucked up enough, without adding to it.
Do you enjoy hurting me? if not what are we doing?

I NEED A RELEASE
BUT I NEED TO KNOW MY RELEASE IS YOUR RELEASE

I am supposed to be your release, if you are stressed or wound up can you not take it out on me through play? no but its not the right time for me is it.

I have a new job to start
I have period pains
Ive been upset
There has been a change in our routine
We are tired
I have been drinking ..... the list goes on.

To feel hassled would be a wonderful thing.
To wake up to feel hands round my neck or securing my wrists,
To be pulled away from my glass of wine and  told to stay in the corner or realizing he had plans
To be punished physically for every cross word I made.
To have regular hard spankings that he craved and fantatsissed about
To be a muse for his imagination and the sadistic things he wanted to do
To see a rule be monitored and checked upon daily even just for 1 week
To see the fever in his eyes
To be his project
To be be his hobby
For him to realize that not one persons way of feeling loved is different to anothers.


When I do things domestically for him he is happy ( but he would expect that anyway ), he likes his lunch been made every day, he likes tea been offered without having to ask, he prefers not to have to decide what to have for dinner, he doesn't like washing left out and likes things folded neatly, he likes it when i ask permission to arrange anything we do
When I obey him he is happy
When I come to him and show him affection he is happy
When I give him blow jobs he is happy.
When we make love he is happy.
When I remember to greet him at the door he is happy

I guess I need to work on these things then dont I.